Hello
degenerates, heathens, weirdos, and deviants. I am the Rock Otaku, and
I’m here to show you worlds such as hard rock, metal, punk, alternative rock,
movies, TV, anime, video games, and anything that makes us scream, shout, and
let it all out.
Welcome
to my Rockin’ Billboard Chart Watch.
Here, I take a break from reviewing classic heavy metal albums, movies,
TV, anime, games, and so on to review what is popular in the rock scene according
to Billboard. Back in the late 19th
century, the magazine started as a news source for the entertainment industry
back in the day (thus, circuses, fairs, and burlesque shows were covered),
then, when music became a big business, it started covering music. Then they started having an album chart, then
a singles chart, in the mid-20th century, both of which are still
going on to this very day, with changes to accommodate the changes in the
landscape of music distribution. But for
the rock stuff, the first chart, which would be known today as the Mainstream
Rock chart, debuted on March 21, 1981, with the Alternative Songs chart
following suit in 1988, the Adult Alternative chart premiering some time in
2008, then the all-encompassing Hot Rock Songs chart came to fruition in
2009. Here, I review them all, in order
of either mainstream importance, date of creation, or which songs have the most
material I can cover each week.
But
this week, I plan on doing something special, and finally do something
thoroughly negative: The Top 10 Worst Hit Rock Songs of 2016. This is something I knew I would have to do
once I started reviewing radio rock a few months ago, and as preparation, I’ve
created a Spotify playlist of every song on the Year End entries of the Hot
Rock Song, Rock Airplay, Rock Digital, Rock Streaming, Alternative Songs, Adult
Alternative Songs, and Mainstream Rock Songs charts for 2016, with a focus on
figuring out which songs I hate the most while giving praise, next week, to the
song I adore. For this week, due to time
to prepare, there’s a sense of predictability to this list, but don’t worry, as
some of these songs actually drove me mad when I had to hear them.
For
last year, as you know, it was a massive crap pile that got bigger as the year
went along. For some of you, it was a
tiny pile of cow pie, but for most of you, I’m sure, it was big enough to cover
a small town. Let’s just say that mine
was pretty big, considering what I follow, what I’m interested in, what I
believe in, and what I was going through this year. So where this year was a disaster, it was a
small beginning of this blog, and I’m sure this year will be the year where I
get my true wings (which may be difficult if Trump starts acting like a
Nazi).
But
for the rock scene, we may have lost some icons (hell, we lost Scott Weiland
and Lemmy at the tail end of 2015), but we got a lot of great music. The consensus appears to be that we had a great
year for rock music in general, and while I may have bashed a few artists along
the way, some of them grew on me. Hell,
we got a lot of great music throughout the year, including the latest from
Metallica, Megadeth (if you’re comfortable with the thrash metal equivalent to
Fox News), Anthrax, BabyMetal, and so on.
But for every 10 great songs, there probably had to be a turd big enough
to remind us what year this was. So for
this blog, before we start discussing the best of 2016 and the music that may
define the inaugural year of the Trump era, let’s talk about songs so bad (or
so mediocre), I’m probably going to be a lot more nasty in my writing,
especially towards the end. To make sure
that certain readers are not too offended, I do not plan on using the seven
dirty words yet. That will be for
another time, probably when I start establishing my positive qualities over my
negative ones, and, plus, it would have been too easy to use them here. Any part-time filth, however, is more likely
thanks to most of it being PG of PG-13 anyway.
Sorry for the long paragraph, but here we go. Let’s start with…
10. Heathens by
twenty one pilots
I am going to get a lot of crap for this, especially from TOP
fans, but I have to say it. This song
BORES me. It’s as if, because they were
writing a song for Suicide Squad, the band were not allowed to have any sort of
fun with this recording. While I’m not a
TOP fan, they do have a basis in making fun rap rock that’s infused with an emo
edge, specifically the growing pains of transitioning from adolescence to
adulthood and the frustrations of being a young adult. While this may make them unappealing to most,
they have earned their fan base respectfully, and I can’t complain about their
stuff (I might have a song by theirs mentioned on my best of list). But for this song, thanks to Zach Snyder’s
horrible influence, there is no sense of fun here. It’s not that I want all my creepy rock songs
for movies to be fun, but thanks to the misguided ad campaign for Suicide Squad
with Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” and Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz,” I would want fun
in my comic book movie music. This is way too serious to be fun, and too creepy
to be comforting (trust me, 2016 was that bad), and it did the bare minimum to
be creepy and serious. In short, it
sounds creepy, and there’s a dark undercurrent, but with the lyrics being
about, I don’t know, having heathens for friends, it’s as if the band is
posturing to be aggressive, when their earlier songs were about being an
emotionally disturbed but relatively normal young adult (for this day and
age). As a result, this song does not
relate to me, it sounds way too forced to be aggressive, and the low-key
approach to the song and the lame lyrics contribute to a pathetic mess. This song can stay in Hot Topic for all I
care, I’ll spin Crimson Glory’s “Lost Reflection” again (that is a truly
disturbing track).
Also, I blame overplay on this rant.
9. Unsteady by
X Ambassadors
Of the “bad” songs, I really don’t think this is the worst
song X Ambassadors has done, but it’s just not interesting enough to encourage
me to give them the benefit of the doubt that these guys don’t suck. They just don’t rock, and this song’s attempt
at being sincere, and its massive success, really makes me question how labels
are approaching rock music. Not as a
rage of emotions dealing with distrust of the status quo or the desire to live
life like a maniac, but really sappy stuff that appeals to the same tweens that
keep giving Justin Bieber the benefit of the doubt (even if he’s gotten better)
and who gave Drake a career. In short,
this is so uninteresting and non-threatening that I don’t seem to find this
song’s appeal. With its limp production,
pathetic mix of hip hop beats and lite rock drums, low bass sound, lack of
guitars, and piano focus, I don’t consider this a true rock song. Plus, there are ways for this combination to work,
but X Ambassadors don’t know how to, and are more interested in being
commercial and inoffensive, so there’s no bite to anything here. A complete waste of time in my mind.
8. Somebody’s
Love by Passenger
Let’s get this out of the way. I do not like “Let Her Go” by this
artist. I think it is absolute trash
with little redeemable qualities, and it’s also one of the most demeaning songs
I’ve ever heard. But if there is a
silver lining, this song isn’t as bad.
It’s as bland, surface-level inoffensive, and smug as the previous song,
but if there’s a problem with this song, it’s the lyrics and their delivery
like last time. This time, it’s pretty
clumsy about how this person needs love, like as if he has some sort of
omnipotence in our lives. 1) that is
creepy. 2) this makes him look like a
massive, well, smug little brat. It
doesn’t help that this song’s about as interesting musically as Wonder
Bread. With its simple use of acoustic
guitars and pathetically basic guitar solo, you can tell the musicianship is
very mediocre and that Passenger is just here to impress the easily-impressed
with his low-tier ability. Plus his
attitude is just as bad, saying his words as if they’re fact when they don’t
work as matter-of-fact. Overall, this
song is trash, and I wonder what would happen if someone who knew better met Passenger?
 |
| My opinion on WGWAGs in gif format |
7. Sucker For
Pain by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons With Logic & Ty Dolla
$ign Feat. X Ambassadors
Another Suicide Squad soundtrack cut, this time with X
Ambassadors being the ambassadors of intestinal fluid (there’s no way Imagine
Dragons can be this bad)? Yay.
This song is dull, dreary, and so weirdly chopped up that I
feel that it’s trying to be as aggressive as possible. But thanks to the influence of Drake, we end
up with a mid-tempo, low-key hip hop song without the drive, muscle, and sick,
twisted fun factor that this song desperately needed. What I mean is that, GUESS HOW THE MOVIE WAS
ADVERTISED?! As a fun, Guardians of the
Galaxy-esque romp with a band of criminals going nuts while trying to do the
dirty work of Amanda Waller, and apparently The Joker is involved. Essentially, the soundtrack should have reflected
that rather than Hot Topic, which still has a stranglehold on the rock scene
for some dumb reason when they have become the main fringe-geek store in the
mall alongside a few others.
Unfortunately, this dreary track tries to take its messed up concept
100% seriously, and as a result, instead of this in music form:
We get:
 |
| Relevant humor. |
While I don’t focus on hip hop, the fact that Imagine
Dragons had to sell out to the suck-train known as Zack Snyder’s influence, we
end up with one of many dreary, dull rap songs that were around this year on
the rock charts, despite this being one of the more interesting ones. Why is it bad then? It’s because the low-beat is trying to make
this song fit with that emo, Hot Topic atmosphere Warner Bros. is trying to
push, and it doesn’t mesh well with the bravado the rappers are trying to bring
to the table. The chorus is pathetic and
lame, a total bummer is considering that Imagine Dragons are one of the more
anthemic bands to have come out of the indie scene. Finally, the verses are so creepy, debauched,
and disgusting that the bleakness enveloping them causes the fun factor, which
could have saved this song, to be practically nonexistent. Plus Lil Wayne is on here, and he’s as
mediocre as usual (I don’t get his appeal outside of weed), and Wiz Khalifa
tries to salvage his verse, but the “Black & Yellow”-esque moments take me
out. Hell, both rappers take me out of
the seriousness that this song is trying to strut entirely. Finally, one of the guys from X Ambassadors
ends the song, a fitting way to close out mediocrity. In a year where rap was not immune from the suck
levels of the year, but reflected it perfectly, one of the better songs in the
genre is still unable to rise above meh, and because of the list it was also on
and what I cover, I have to dock it points by principle. Seriously, this helped me have LESS interest
in watching Suicide Squad, and I still haven’t seen it yet. But at the same time, I think that the
combination of Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Drake’s influence, 2016, Zack Snyder,
and ESPECIALLY X Ambassadors is a factor in me feeling that I didn’t miss out
on it.
6. Happy Song
by Bring Me The Horizon
5. Throne by
Bring Me The Horizon
4. 7 Years by
Lukas Graham:
When I have to reference Family Guy to reveal how bull you’re
lyrical content is, that means you royally screwed up. And the worst part is that this could have
been avoided if the song was interesting, but the beat and the production is so
unthreatening or interesting that the lyrics are more infuriating. Yes, I’m sure that this is a similar
viewpoint to Todd In The Shadows’ opinion, but the nice melody, and the fact
that it’s the only thing trying to sound sincere, really hurts this song’s
ability to make me feel anything but confounded rage. Screw You, Lukas Graham, YOU CAN’T MANIPULATE
ME WITH YOUR SOB STORIES!
Now I’m fully aware that this is Todd’s No. 1 Worst Pop
Song of 2016. As a result, I expect a
lot of comparisons between me and him (when he’s older than me, has more views,
and more dogs where he lives than I do).
3. Wash It All Away by Five Finger Death Punch
 |
| Left: This song from the perspective of its attitude. Right: Me. |
Here’s Kuni to show what this song has to offer lyrically,
and how it ultimately colors this song:
He’s referring to the band here, and it’s a massive shame
that this is how far they’ve fallen. It
may be due to alcohol, drugs, loads of women, label interference (which I’m
doubtful of due to them being technically indie), or Ivan Moody’s inability to
ignore the tabloids or the news, but these lyrics are so damn stupid. What the song is about is how messed up the
world is and how angry Ivan is about it.
You know who feels that way and can possibly write a better song about
it? EVERYONE ELSE! It’s as if something got into the band during
their American Capitalist days and caused them to start writing the dumbest
lyrics ever. Even then, it completely
takes the momentum the song originally had and grinds it to a halt. Hell, I’m not sure if this is the result of
the band realizing just how popular they are.
Instead of acting like a torch carrier, they act like spoiled
celebrities who get offended about something and have to have something to say
when they can say nothing about it and ignore it. I feel that Ivan and the gang have become the
new embodiment of what NOT to do in rock music after Nickelback practically disappeared
due to bro country stealing their momentum and fan base (arguably for the
better). Yes, this is one of those songs
that MAKES me wish for bands like Black Veil Brides to stay relevant, for Steel
Panther to be more popular, for, I don’t know, Salems Lott to have their big
break. This is a disaster of a song, and
it’s all Ivan’s fault. Screw this song.
And no, I’m not a little peeved that I saw this band escort
Dora Standpipe to the park.
2. Bohemian Rhapsody by Panic! At The Disco
This isn’t like those.
It tries to be a straight cover of the original song, but it somehow
fails. Why? Well, 1) redoing the original without doing
anything new or exciting is not just a really bad idea, especially in music,
but it’s incredibly pointless, as it will cause audiences to immediately
compare your version with the original (but this is a skill that only works in
Roller Coaster Tycoon). 2) It can also
show your flaws as an artist when you just cannot replicate the original, which
in this case is Brendon Urie channeling Freddie Mercury, when he has never
shown the ability to match the legendary Queen frontman. He’s not just inferior to Freddie in this
version, but every attempt at either replicating or modernizing this classic
comes off as a bad karaoke version of the original rather than a new song. Yes, I know the modern elements tend to try
to make the song more gothic to fit Suicide Squad’s Hot Topic approach to comic
book superheroes, but it doesn’t work as the gothic elements of the original
were subtle. Here, they hit you like
Harley Quinn’s hammer (Oh, I’m sorry, but I do not associate baseball bats with
her) smashing your head in, and it’s about as fun as Batman v Superman: Dawn Of
Justice. It’s as if Brendon is not
having any fun here, like the rest of the DCEU (a trend I hope ends by Wonder
Woman). This is pure Hot Topic-crowd
pandering crap, and it’s fetid appearance is hurting our ability to make rock
legitimate these days. We should be
expecting better out of this.
Before we get to the worst, here are the Dishonorable Mentions in order of suck:
DHM 1: Here I Am by Asking Alexandria
DHM 2: Renegades by X Ambassadors
DHM 3: My Nemesis by Five Finger Death Punch
Note, this is coming from a blogger whose work includes gushing over older albums by legendary metal bands and being cynical about newer rock, which is something I hope to negate next week. Plus there’s my crush on Dora Standpipe. Dear, rich Dora Standpipe, HOW I LOVE HER…
…Father’s money.
Next is another heartbreaking metal song from last year.
DHM 4: I Don’t Care Anymore by HellYeah
If you were expecting “It’s better to burn out than fade
away.” Then you are being too nice. I mean, you’re a nice guy, and one hell of a
drummer. What I’m trying to say is that,
despite you not being Neil Peart of Mike Portnoy, you are a legend in the metal
scene. You may not see it that way, and
your recent project is a lighthearted attempt at trying to continue with the
grief of losing your younger brother (who was a great guitarist in my mind by
playing and feel alone) is honorable, but I think you’re getting too old for
posturing as a wild renegade. From what
I’ve heard, you have a successful business on the side, and you’re great at
organizing bands, but I think that you and Chad, Tom, Kyle, and Christian
should go back to what you excelled at, playing lighthearted, but
pulse-pounding groove metal about having a good time, getting blitzed, and
being with your bros, not trying to be dark, edgy, hardcore, or covering a Phil
Collins song that was already pretty aggressive (considering that this was the
man who wrote the songs for Disney’s Tarzan).
But if I have to give you some credit, your attempt at using archived
recording of Dimebag’s guitarwork for this song was alright, but it didn’t add
anything to the track outside of bragging rights. You know who else did this? Nickelback for “Side of a Bullet”, and nobody
praises the guitar part there because no one wants to praise a Nickelback
song. Plus, your new band is not very
consistent in quality, and this doesn’t help your case here. In short, this is a massive disappointment,
and it’s on my list. While I hope the
Zoidberg quote doesn’t offend you, it’s a reminder of how you’ve fallen as a
metal icon. Good luck to you on any
future endeavors.
DHM 5: Take It All Back by Judah & The Lion
And the gall for the indie folk band to use one (an indie
folk band without a banjo player would be off anyway, so there’s a reason why I
have a hard time getting into the genre) and GLOAT about it is enough to drive
me into supporting a mix of metal guitars, orchestras, and electronica (with
double-kick drumming to keep the speed going while an operatic tenor and
soprano duet about dragon slaying, epic battles, and giant robots decking aliens
in the schnoz). This song’s issue is
just how bragging about how great the simple life was, and while that’s a great
sentiment, it’s not a way to live by.
The production, also, is so plastic that it’s actually hard to consider
this authentic when it sounds like it’s trying to channel the whitest rap out
there (even worse when they mention the beat).
Overall, this is a painfully ego trip of a song that’s trying to be
about something sincere, but the gloating, the ego, and the fact that it’s
referencing its use of banjos, mandolins, and hip hop beats is enough to punch
these guys in the face. This is the
indie folk equivalent to bad Christian rock, brag rap, bro country, or whatever
“I’m better than you” pop song Meghan Trainor decided to write this time. The worst part is that their name sounds
awesome. You have a band with a
Biblical-sounding name that could lead to some classically epic imagery, and
this is your song? Such a waste of
potential.
DHM 6: Let Her Go by Passenger
WHY IS THIS TURD OF A TRACK STILL ON THE CHARTS! If it wasn’t for the fact that this is technically an oldie, this would have been higher than Somebody’s Love.
Now for the top spot, which can’t possibly be a dumpster fire of a song:
1. I Apologize by Five Finger Death Punch
Confound them! *hic*
And ladies and gentlemen. This is why I want more rock and metal bands to have members with a girly side. I may sound weird here, but we really need more women in the metal scene, I’m serious. I can even take more crossdressers. The only way in my mind that we’re able to get this fetid drek off the radio is to try to get a more feminine viewpoint (as I’ve discussed, it worked for Accept). This masculine emo crap has gone for long enough, and it’s more than past stale. It’s a reminder of not just how bad the nu metal scene was, but how it made us look like a bunch of dimwitted, sexist, backwards-thinking, racist, uneducated morons that would go nowhere in life. This is why I love garage rock, j-pop, power metal, prog metal, retro rock, metal, and thrash, punk rock, and so on. We need to leave this disgusting, pulsating, vile bat guano in the past where it belongs. I may sound like an SJW when all signs point to me being not among their annoying ranks, but until rock can grow past the angry white boy crap, I might become one. I love these styles of music too much to see it go the way to rap and country, and become complete jokes that require maintaining toxic stereotypes for success. We may have had a better year than those two genres, but we need to maintain that, and that involves shunning Five Finger Death Punch and their ilk.
But that doesn’t mean you should hate sleazy rock and metal as some of the best bands of all time loved girls, beer, bad drugs, and wild parties. It means expecting better out of our smut, such as better creativity, more color rather than white (like pink or even brown and black), less vanity, and possibly some cues from burlesque theater, adult comics that aren’t written by Rob Liefeld, gender bender art, or even mythology (trust me, the amount of smut in Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse, Eastern, and even Arabic and Persian mythology can allow for some crazy songs). I want improvement and exploration in my dirty rock, not just being dirty for the sake of dirty without a classic basis or sense of humor.
Sorry for the long statement on mainstream rock and metal, but this song was so bad and, more importantly, so bland that I had to make this longer than I should. It shows how much of a damn I give versus this terrible band. In conclusion, I consider Five Finger Death Punch’s “I Apologize” to be the worst song of 2016.
Phew, that was a doozy, and I managed to let off some steam there. It’s great to vent sometimes about things you don’t like. That way, it makes the stuff you like much more meaningful, especially when it’s in contrast with what you hate.
So those were my least favorite songs from the year end charts. Feel free in the comments if you think that certain other songs were worse. If you feel that I may have bagged on the wrong songs, let it be known that I may not find this list to represent my thoughts in the near future. This represented them now. Hopefully, I’ll ensure that the best of list better emphasizes one of 2016’s brighter points: the rock underground (or whatever Billboard could get from it). Plus, I want to know what your worst songs of 2016 were in rock music. It doesn’t have to be on the charts.
Until Next Time, this is the Rock Otaku. Live Loud, Play Hard, and Let’s Hope 2017 Doesn’t Suck.
Next week: The Top 10 Best Hit Rock Songs of 2016 (I may need a bigger list for that one).
All used references
are done under the rules of fair use and are owned by their original
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